Ok, now I’m beginning to have second thoughts. Not so much about the boat but more so what I’ve been running from. The reason why I bought the boat…….
In the early hours of Saturday morning I got beat up. By someone I was seeing…… I look like I’ve been in a car crash – but then as one of my northern friends says “my life is a car crash”.
After all of this, all of the work, tears and effort. All of the trying, building and convincing myself than I can do it; all of a sudden I want to go home. To my friends, the people who love me and will look after me. I tired of trying, tired of pretending it’s going to work out. I do love it here, but I’m tired now.
I feel like I want to throw my arms up and admit defeat. My ribs hurt when I breathe and I just want to sit down and cry. I’ve had enough with here – not enough good has come of it to warrant how bad I feel. So many times I’ve though I’ve hit the bottom and that it could get no worse. Then it does……I just want to give up now.
In some ways I’m so very lucky to have good people around me, who’ve tried their best to make me feel better – but it’s not enough. Right now I just want to go home, cry with my friends, be held, and told it’ll all be ok.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Well, I’d rather take that out, but when I wrote it, it was how I felt. I’m an honest person and the blog is not just about the boat – it’s about my life on the boat. I want it to show the lows as well as the highs. And in all fairness if I had the 'ideal life', if I had a well paying job, a partner with an equally well paying job, and a lovely, warm, dry and fully plumbed house, I might not feel so hell bent on living aboard. Not that I don’t love the boat – I do – but for me it started as a means to an end. My own space, somewhere to have privacy and quiet; a home. And while it is a home (a rather lovely one to boot) it is not the easy option. It is probably the bloody hard option! But it’s all tied up – I have the boat because of my life. I’m not a sailor because I chose to sail, I’m a sailor because that’s just the way my life took me. Not that I regret it for a second!
As is apparent, after my beating I was rather despondent. I spent 2 nights at the house where I was previously living...
(and for the record, those guys were ace. My ex (who’s sister I was living with) picked me up from my friends house, took me ‘home’, gave me a big hug, his sister hugged me, then his kid (I love that boy) hugged me. Then I drew the line! I am so not the touchy feely hugging sort! They then poured me a damned big glass of wine and we played pool all night ignoring the fact that my face would’ve scared small children. They may drive me nuts to live with, but as surrogate family I couldn’t have done better.)
...and after two nights I longed for my boat. I have now reached a slightly less emotional level and have realised that it’s not that I want to go home; I want to have a home. So that is what I am building.
And I think I am half way there. I think of her frequently through the day; is the gas off; when did I last pump the bilge, are the mooring lines ok; is she ok? This is as well as the more long term plans; when will I be able to afford new rigging; how will I modify the doors; what kit will I need to sail to the carribean? THAT is how a boat gets inside your head! But believe me, it gets worse at night. My neighbour in the boat yard told me, “you get the most use out of your boat at night”. Yeah, when you’re lying there worrying about it, thinking how you’re going to fix it and worst of all, dreaming she’s taking on water (many, many times). But still I love her.
I have been meaning to write about the daily trials of marina living, the things I never thought I’d use so much but now wouldn’t be without, the day to day issues I never even thought about, and other such boat stuff, but sometimes life just gets in the way of that…… apologies.
But as I keep saying… “down but not out”.
I will keep typing, I will post more pics, I will hopefully post something a little more interesting….. but in the mean time…..
Sail on the steel breeze – and shine on you crazy diamonds…..